Mpreg Sort Of
by Dark Rabbit
Summary: This was for a challenge on LJ. I said I'd write Batman and the Joker, with one of them female, and heavily pregnant. ...I tried twice, and this is what I got. I think there's some laughs here, but there are no resolutions and no happy-ever-afters.
1. Pretty in Purple

**I don't own Batman, would you be getting this free if I did?**

Have you seen a Mask of Tragedy? Well then, you'd recognize the Joker. And it's a good thing if you can recognize him that way, because right now that's the only way you will recognize him. Eyes downcast, with lips set in a ruby frown like one of those velvet Sad Clown paintings come to life, he's a just a shadow of his former self. A very _female_ shadow.

And even Harley can't hold back a little snicker as she opens the door and sees him. "Why Mistah J" -- This is where the snicker comes out -- "I mean _Miss_ J," she says, "is this what it takes to make you come back to me?"

Pamela, who's watching the whole thing, does not have her girlfriend's compunctions. She laughs very loudly, and for quite a long time. She also makes some comments about this being the Joker's way of _sampling an alternative lifestyle_ that have the erstwhile Clown Prince of Crime gritting her cute little teeth.

"It's not funny," she says. Only unfortunately her 'angry voice' doesn't have quite the same impact now that she's 5 feet 4 and a little under 120 pounds. Both of her two hostesses respond by bursting into giggles.

They invite her in though. Well, Harley does. Pam says something about having to formulate a quick-acting _pest_icide -- she gives Miss J a look as she says it, but she doesn't do anything, just hustles out the back door to the greenhouses.

Harley's more than welcoming enough for two though. "Aww, come on in," she says. Dragging Miss J by her cute bleached-white hands, "_love_ the new look," she tells her, "you're just the cutest thing that ever was." And she deposits her ex-boyfriend (_ex_ now, in more ways than one) with a plop onto the leaf-patterned sofa in the living room.

"I mean it," she goes on, "you're adorable," and she doesn't even ask how the Joker managed to get himself into this mess. She also doesn't comment on his most prominent new feature.

Miss J can't afford to be so reticent. She can't, because even if she wanted to, she's the one with the baby-bump riding high on her cute little abdomen. She's the one in the maternity top -- And believe me, it's not easy to find a purple maternity top with a green tie at the neck, not in Gotham City it isn't! She's the one that when she looks down now, she can barely see her feet.

And "I'm not keeping it," she says.

Now, there are lots of ways that Harley could respond to this, starting with, she could ask _now_ how it was that Miss J got herself into this mess. Or she could go all jealous and demand to know whose baby her ex is carrying. Instead, she slips into psychiatrist-mode. She tents her fingers and looks over them, and she asks mildly, "oh, really?"

"Yes, really" -- Girl or no girl, the Joker can still gnash his teeth with the best of them. And he can glare pretty well, "how crazy do you think I am?" he demands -- Or _she_ demands, "it would be a total disaster. We're like fire and water," she says, "like matter and anti-matter" --

And, "it's Batman's kid," Harley says flatly. To give her credit, she does not immediately offer to drive her ex to a clinic and _get it taken care of_. Maybe things are going well enough between her and Pam right now that she can afford to move from being a _girl_friend to being a _best_ friend. Maybe she just knows this is her best chance at a baby. "Have you told him yet?" she asks helpfully.

The Joker shakes her head.

"Are you going to tell him?" Harley asks, and gets another head-shake in return.

"One night," the Joker says bitterly, "one fuckin' night and I get _this_! I ask you, Harley-girl, can you see me taking care of a baby?"

Now most of Gotham would have no trouble answering that one. They see the Joker taking care of lots of things, bank-heists and large explosions being high up on the list for most of them, but a baby? Way to start the whole city laughing! Harley though, she's a romantic (or, to put it another way, a _hopelessly deluded fool_). She actually has pictured her Puddin in charge of a kid, although admittedly it was a small, chubby version of himself, and not some kind of a weird clown-bat hybrid. Her lips curl upward now, into a smile that's almost sentimental and, "you oughta at least tell him," she says.

"Hell no."

"Aww, c'mon," Harley says, "at least warn the guy you're thinkin' of getting rid of it -- It's a baby, ya know?"

And this time, the Joker nods. "I know," she says.


	2. Clear Blue Easy

**I don't own Batman, would you be getting this free if I did?**

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" The Joker is laughing -- Okay, maybe that's not so unusual. He isn't just laughing though, he's roaring with laughter. He's slapping his knee and throwing his head so far back that you can see right past his sharp, jagged teeth, and down into his red, psychopathic throat. He's laughing like the loon he is, and "Batsy, you aren't serious," he yells, "you have to be joking" -- then he starts laughing over again as he adds "Jokes for the Joker, Batstuff, that's rich!"

He drops down onto one knee -- Behind him, Punch and Judy start to chuckle like the good little hench-clowns that they are -- "Bat-booby," their boss says, "tell me you'll be mine and I will die happy" -- He hasn't stopped laughing, he's just started talking, but little snorts and giggles keep popping out. -- "Give me your hand," he says, "I have to do the honorable thing" -- This part sends Punch and Judy into guffaws -- "I have to make an honest woman of you Batcakes." And then he and the rest of them -- Well, basically all the guys in clown-gear in here, are off laughing crazily again.

Batman isn't laughing. He hasn't even cracked a smile. Imagine granite, sitting on a sofa in the middle of an old abandoned funhouse, and that's the Batman. Except that he's wearing a bat-hood and cowl. He just sits there looking at the Joker, and his face is totally expressionless -- Maybe his lips turn down a little more, but that's it, and he says, "I'm telling the truth."

Joker, still busy laughing, hardly looks up. "You're what?" he says.

Firmer, grittier, "I'm telling the truth."

"No way."

"Believe it, Joker." Now the Batman hands over a little plastic tube.

The Clown Prince takes it. He turns it over in his hand, finds where it says Pregnancy Test, and then finds the little pink plus-sign on the screen. Then his mouth drops open.

"These things don't lie," the Batman says.

"No... fucking... way..." Nerveless, the Joker -- Can we call him Daddy? -- stands there. He looks from the test to the Batman and back again, and "no fucking way," he says again, and then, "I am so fucked." And that's when Harley hits him.


End file.
